The Healing Power of Forgiveness
We will know we have forgiven someone when their offense no longer troubles our soul. Instead, the mistake is covered over by a feeling of peace and love.
My New Year’s resolution for 2025 is to reduce toxicity in my life. I recently made some lifestyle changes working toward this goal, including being more conscious of what foods I eat, changing personal care products, and doing a metal chelation treatment.
However, I want to address one of the biggest spiritual toxins—one which often has physical and emotional carryover: the toxin of withholding forgiveness.
In 2002, President Thomas S Monson, first counselor in the First Presidency at the time, recounted a story originally told by Samuel T Whitman, called “Forgotten Wedges.”
Whitman wrote: “The ice storm [that winter] wasn’t generally destructive. True, a few wires came down, and there was a sudden jump in accidents along the highway. … Normally, the big walnut tree could easily have borne the weight that formed on its spreading limbs. It was the iron wedge in its heart that caused the damage.
“The story of the iron wedge began years ago when the white-haired farmer [who now inhabited the property on which it stood] was a lad on his father’s homestead. The sawmill had then only recently been moved from the valley, and the settlers were still finding tools and odd pieces of equipment scattered about. …
“On this particular day, it was a faller’s wedge—wide, flat, and heavy, a foot or more long, and splayed from mighty poundings [—which the lad found] … in the south pasture. [A faller’s wedge, used to help fell a tree, is inserted in a cut made by a saw and then struck with a sledge hammer to widen the cut.] … Because he was already late for dinner, the lad laid the wedge … between the limbs of the young walnut tree his father had planted near the front gate. He would take the wedge to the shed right after dinner, or sometime when he was going that way.
“He truly meant to, but he never did. [The wedge] was there between the limbs, a little tight, when he attained his manhood. It was there, now firmly gripped, when he married and took over his father’s farm. It was half grown over on the day the threshing crew ate dinner under the tree. … Grown in and healed over, the wedge was still in the tree the winter the ice storm came.
“In the chill silence of that wintry night … one of the three major limbs split away from the trunk and crashed to the ground. This so unbalanced the remainder of the top that it, too, split apart and went down. When the storm was over, not a twig of the once-proud tree remained.
“Early the next morning, the farmer went out to mourn his loss. …
“Then, his eyes caught sight of something in the splintered ruin. ‘The wedge,’ he muttered reproachfully. ‘The wedge I found in the south pasture.’ A glance told him why the tree had fallen. Growing, edge-up in the trunk, the wedge had prevented the limb fibers from knitting together as they should.”
Hidden Wedges, April 2002, emphasis added
When we don’t fully forgive and let go of others’ mistakes, our lives grow around the offenses like the tree around the wedge. We become bent and weakened, allowing a single hurt to injure us again and again.
Like the farmer, we may have even walked away from the wedge, forgetting that we never removed it. It remains out of sight, out of mind, until a storm hits. But sometimes even if we are aware of the wedge and the danger it presents, it is not so easy to forgive.
Yet, in a world so ready to take offense, forgiveness is critical to our happiness and well-being.
For those unfamiliar with Christianity or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you may wish to start with my three introductory posts: Who is Jesus Christ? What is the Purpose of Life? and What is the Need for a Church? These will provide the basic foundation of our beliefs.
How Can I Forgive Those Who Have Hurt Me?
Justice is a principle that protects our rights. There are times when it is appropriate to seek justice for the terrible misdeeds of others. However, it is not our right to withhold forgiveness. In fact, is is spiritually harmful to do so.
Jesus Christ, speaking to the Prophet Joseph Smith, said:
“My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.
“Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”
Doctrine & Covenants 64:8-10, emphasis added
Only Jesus Christ—who sees the hearts of all men and who suffered for all of our sins—has the understanding and the right to forgive or withhold forgiveness. People can change and we need to allow them the opportunity to do so.
The story of Corrie ten Boom has been told more than once in General Conference. Corrie, who years ago had suffered at the hands of Nazis in a concentration camp during World War II was approached one day by a former Nazi guard. She recognized him as one of the most cruel of the guards. However, following the war he had converted to Christianity.
He was in attendance at her speech in Germany that day, and heard her speak about forgiveness. The former guard approached her, extending his hand and asking for her forgiveness.
Bishop Keith B McMullin, quoting Corrie ten Boom’s account, described how she gazed at his outstretched hand for a time, not knowing if she could do more than lift her own hand to meet it. She offered a silent prayer, took his hand, and with that act of faith she felt God’s power heal her.
“The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.
“‘I forgive you, brother!’ I cried. ‘With all my heart.’
“For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely, as I did then.”
Our Path of Duty, April 2010
Like Corrie, forgiveness may begin as an act of faith. If we can even only desire to forgive, this is a start. Quoting a wise bishop, President James E Faust said, “Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in.”
Forgiving doesn't mean we need to re-enter a harmful relationship, nor does it mean we are not allowed to feel true heartache and sorrow, as Elder Jeffrey R Holland said, “But notwithstanding even the most terrible offenses that might come to us, we can rise above our pain only when we put our feet onto the path of true healing. That path is the forgiving one walked by Jesus of Nazareth, who calls out to each of us,” (The Ministry of Reconciliation, October 2018).
I recently discovered that, at least in small offenses, it becomes easier to forgive when I decide to offer grace as an intentional gift. If someone forgets to keep a promise, if someone’s carelessness causes me extra work, or if I feel socially excluded I dig a little deeper into the “pockets” of my soul to offer that person the gift of consideration.
We all need grace. I know others do the same for me. Sometimes it is an expensive gift, but I don’t ever give it alone. The Savior knows the price of forgiveness. He paid innumerable times over and above the small price I pay. And he magnifies what I little I can give.
He can magnify our ability to forgive greater offenses, too.
We will know we have forgiven someone when their offense no longer troubles our soul. Instead, the mistake is covered over by a feeling of peace and love.
Forgiveness is not all that different from repentance. Both require the intervention of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Receiving Personal and Divine Forgiveness
Sometimes it is just as difficult to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive others. Personal and divine forgiveness would not be possible without the Savior’s help, who is also the greatest example of forgiveness.
Elder Dale G Renlund said, “Nothing compares to the unfairness He endured. It was not fair that He experienced all the pains and afflictions of mankind. It was not fair that He suffered for my sins and mistakes and for yours. But He chose to do so because of His love for us and for Heavenly Father. He understands perfectly what we are experiencing.”
Jesus, while suffering on the cross pled for his own persecutors, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. (Luke 23:34)”
Several years ago, Elder Ronald E Poelman of the Seventy spoke of an interview he had with a young man who was in the process of repenting form a serious sin.
The young man had gone through all the proper steps: forsaking the behavior, confessing to the proper priesthood authorities, and seeking to make restitution to the offended party. However, he was still unsure if he had been forgiven by God.
“Despite the brother’s earnest efforts to repent, he appeared to be burdened still by remorse and regret and to feel that he must continue to pay for his sins,” said Elder Poelman.
“Unfortunately, this is not an isolated case. Others, to my knowledge, are burdened by past mistakes, large and small, because of an incomplete or incorrect understanding of our Father’s plan of redemption and mercy. Those so burdened may unnecessarily struggle through life without the joy and peace of mind which are the intended result of true repentance and divine forgiveness.
“One who assumes that he can or must pay the price for his sins and thereby earn divine forgiveness will not feel free to continue progress toward realizing his divine potential, that is, eternal life.
“The fact is we cannot save ourselves.”
Divine Forgiveness, October 1993
The process of repentance—and therefore obtaining forgiveness from God and our own self—is incomplete without turning our burdens over to Jesus Christ and seeking his help to heal. Until this happens we may continue to feel responsibility, regret, and guilt for a mistake throughout our lives.
The most important part of the repentance process is a change of heart and a turning toward God. Repentance is not just an exercise of willpower to not repeat a mistake. True repentance results in a change of our desires. The mistake becomes no longer desirable, and our guilt is replaced with peace and strength to resist temptation.
When we hold into past mistakes of either ourselves or others we impede the healing effects of the Savior's Atonement. It was for this cause that he came into the world—that we could be allowed the chance to make mistakes and learn to become like him through experience. We could not do this in any other way.
I pray we will all seek and feel the healing power of forgiveness. I testify that Christ is waiting for us to turn to him so he can heal our hearts and compensate for any of life's unfairness with love and peace that pass all understanding.
This is blog is not an official website of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. To learn the Church’s official doctrine and teachings please visit: comeuntochrist.org.
Recommended Reading
Forgiveness, by President Gordon B Hinckley
And Nothing Shall Offend Them, by Elder David A Bednar
Until Seventy Times Seven, by Elder Lynn G Robbins